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Submitted on
November 27, 2012
File Size
1.4 KB


2 (who?)
The words were hardly out of his mouth before the girl turned and ran, screaming as if she'd seen the devil. She stumbled in the grass, and rolled awkwardly down the hill. The grass was completely flattened behind her, making the lieutenant's way down a lot easier.
  "Hey! I'm sorry!" He exclaimed, crouching next to her. "Are you alright? You're not hurt, are you?"
Now that she was lying on the top of the grass, he was able to see her clearly. She looked almost like something a cult would sacrifice while worshipping a god, what with her long black and blue robes. He could barely tell her hair from the ribbons that tied it back as she shook the dirt off her face; and he couldn't help noticing that the seams at her waistline were beginning to tear and bulge.
  "Hey?" The lieutenant put a hand on the girl's shoulder. "You're okay, right?"
She pushed him away, and he noticed she wore a parade of bracelets; all which were sown into the hems of her robes.
He winced, noticing how raw her skin was from the bracelets pinching at the flesh, and tried not to stare at the blood that smeared on his hands.
The girl shouted something in another language as she quickly grabbed at the jar beside her. She relaxed, if only for a moment, before reaching to her neck and wailing.
This is just a teaser to something I started when I felt really depressed.

I'm still working on the rest of my stuff, but this one's been sitting in my files for a long time, SCREAMING for me to start it.

I also sorted my files, 2 main projects, and a few more side projects that I work on when I don't feel good about my stuff or just generally down. The rest are archived.

okay, this is my first critique, so bear with me :'DD

This is one of the first pieces of writing on dA that I can actually get a good picture in my head of what's going on. Both the characters are described amazingly. The amount of the story you allowed in the teaser is good as well - it gives enough to show you that something is happening, explains the characters and makes you read on with that simple paragraph.
As for originality, well, I haven't read something like this before and I read a lot xD
The structure of the sentences are really good as well, you allow just enough room for descriptive parts, and give room for speech which from my opinion, is quite hard! :)
as for impact, hey, if you ever continued this I'd read it, it looks amazing and you've done a brilliant job!!
I can't find any faults, though if I had to find one I'd maybe suggest describing the lieutenants(?) appearance, though I presumed it wasn't there because this is an extract.
Keep up the good work!! <3
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